Charlotte Bayala on Overcoming the Challenges of Gratitude

[00:00:00] Charlotte: Gratitude is the first thing you feel when you hear the question. What are you grateful for right now? Is it the quick 15 minutes? You got to listen to this episode. Is it that your husband smiled at you when he woke up this morning and you actually noticed it? Is it that you don't have to leave the house at all today?

What are you grateful for right now? 

[00:00:22] Tina: I'm Dr Tina Kaczor and as Leah likes to say I'm the science-y one

[00:00:26] Leah: and I'm Dr Leah Sherman and on the cancer insider

[00:00:30] Tina: And we're two naturopathic doctors who practice integrative cancer care 

[00:00:34] Leah: But we're not your doctors

[00:00:36] Tina: This is for education entertainment and informational purposes only

[00:00:40] Leah: do not apply any of this information without first speaking to your doctor

[00:00:45] Tina: The views and opinions expressed on this podcast by the hosts and their guests are solely their own

[00:00:51] Leah: Welcome to the cancer pod 

Leah: For our November episode, we wanted to do something a little different. The holidays can bring up a lot, especially when you're living with cancer, recovering from it or caring for someone who is that pressure to show up with a perfectly packaged statement of gratitude doesn't always match the reality of what your year has actually looked like.

Many of us are navigating complicated emotions this time of year, and that gratitude isn't always simple. Or comfortable. When I first listened to this episode from the Cancer Caregiver podcast, it spoke to something bigger than Caregiving Alone, which Charlotte shares resonates with anyone touched by cancer patients, survivors, or caregivers.

It's honest, grounding, and incredibly validating. I hope it gives you a little space to breathe, to feel seen, and to remember that whatever gratitude looks like for you this year, it's enough. And now here's Charlotte.

Charlotte: Do you feel like you're going to lose it? If another person asks you what you're grateful for? You know what I'm talking about? It's that moment at the holiday table surrounded by relatives. You see once a year when everyone has to share what they're grateful for. And it's not just the sharing, it's everything that led up to it.

It's sitting there listening to people who spent the entire day telling you what you should be happy about. Usually in sentences that. Start with those two words that make your skin crawl. At least, at least your spouse is here to celebrate the holidays with you. This year, at least you and your partner were able to make it.

At least you made the good kind of pie this time, unlike what you brought last year. And there you are stuck at a table with people who share your DNA, but have no idea what your year has really been like. Uncle Harry is. Three glasses deep into his wine, rattling off stories about his expensive vacations and new car.

Aunt Maria hasn't taken a breath in 10 minutes listing every single accomplishment of her kids'. Because heaven forbid we talk about anything else. Meanwhile, you're sitting there feeling the pressure build. You're caught between two impossible choices. Do you list off everything you've survived this year, giving them just a glimpse of what life with cancer in the house is really like?

Or do you just say what everyone expects to hear? That simple sentence about being grateful your loved one is still alive. By the end of this episode, you'll know what to do.

[00:03:33] Tina: Hello listeners, sorry for the interruption. This is Dr. Tina Kaczor and before we continue with this very special podcast swap episode, i'd like to extend a special thank you to our listeners who have taken the time to rate and review us wherever you're listening. That really helps us out and it helps other people find us.

And I'd like to extend a very special thank you for those who support us through their membership at the Cancer Pod. So a heartfelt thank you goes out to our newest members, Amy, Kathy, Anya, and Joni. Your support really does mean the world to us. And if you don't know about the membership, please. Head over to our webpage and click on Join Us at the top of the page.

It's also in our episode notes, wherever you're listening. And you'll see there's three levels of membership each with their own perks. Leah, and I would love you to join us, But in any case, we're grateful to have you. if you're listening to this. Thank you.

So with that, I will allow Charlotte to go on, introduce herself, and give you a little piece of the Cancer Caregiver podcast. Thanks again.

[00:04:31] Leah: Hi, this is Charlotte and welcome to the Cancer Caregiver Podcast, the show that makes self-preservation achievable in 15 minutes or less.

I really appreciate you listening today because I know how precious time is as a cancer caregiver. So let's get started. Let's be honest. Cancer caregiving isn't a role anyone prepares for. You didn't get training for this. You're not an oncologist or a surgeon. You're something far more complex. You're the person who shows up every single day trying to make life better for someone you love, and that job.

It's exhausting in ways that people who haven't lived it just can't understand. Maybe you didn't even want to be at this gathering. Maybe you're only here because it was easier than dealing with the guilt trips and criticism if you stayed home and now you're sitting at this table with all these people who are supposedly family, and the only thing you can think about is how none of them really get it.

You spent the day dodging weird cancer questions and trying not to roll your eyes at people who tell you stories of those they know with cancer or worse, those that didn't make it. And now after everything, you're at the table and soon it'll be your turn to say what you're grateful for. Maybe you wanted to share something real, but Uncle Harry's drunken rant about his new boat and Aunt Maria's never ending praise of her kids' accomplishments has left you feeling raw.

You'd really like to excuse yourself right now. Go to the bathroom, have a good angry cry, and find yourself back at the table after it's all done and people are passing the food around, but you're stuck and something inside you just snaps because this whole thing feels fake, doesn't it? Like everyone's putting on a show trying to one up each other with their profound statements of gratitude while the Turkey gets cold and your nephew drums his fingers on the table.

Maybe you're sitting there and you want to share something you're grateful for, but in searching for that grand act of gratitude, you start to review your year and you realize how heavily it's been weighing on you. I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose for a second, and then slowly let it out through your mouth like you're trying to whistle.

Let that emotion out. Deep breath in through your nose and slowly let it out through your mouth. Maybe you thought you knew you were thankful for having your loved one with you, and you know, that's what everyone expects you to say anyway. But those words aren't enough to convey the weight of that gratitude because they don't understand the years worth of events that you've had to fight through to get to that seat to share.

The one simple sentence just isn't enough, and you're pretty sure this isn't what sharing gratitude is supposed to feel like. Take a deep breath in through your nose, press your lips together and let it out through your mouth. Part of you wants to take an uncomfortable pause and then loudly say, pass, not going to answer and be done with it all.

And you wonder why this is so difficult for you to do. You feel like surely you must have a lot to be grateful for, but you just don't understand what that even means because all you can do as you shuffle through the memories of all the life events you wished you didn't have this year, you can't find anything you were happy to have.

Maybe the family holiday meal is always held at ransom for a moment of gratitude.

The way it's presented to you has always been as a grand gesture, something you should always be doing, especially in your position being told how you should feel, especially during the holidays or when you're around people you might not necessarily get along with can make you feel a wide range of emotions from being misunderstood to angry.

And when you feel that, I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose, press your lips together and let it out through your mouth anytime you want to let people know how you really feel. Deep breath in through your nose, lips pressed out through your mouth. When the toddler in the room comes over and slaps you on the back of the leg for no reason, deep breath in through your nose.

Lips, press together out through your mouth. Your mom asks if that's what you're really wearing or if you brought a change of clothes. Deep breath in through your nose, lips pressed together. Let it out through your mouth. Let that breath be your friend for the rest of the year. Oftentimes, being grateful seems like it needs to be a lot of work.

Work. You don't have time for thinking of something to be grateful that is good enough, especially if you're sharing, it takes the power away from the practice. Gratitude doesn't mean shit if you don't feel. If you're taking into consideration what you anticipate the other person thinks you're going to say to decide how to answer, you've already lost the focus of the exercise.

Sharing what you're grateful for has nothing to do with the person that is listening to what you're grateful for. It doesn't have to be big. It can be as small as it needs to be, just as long as it comes from your heart. If you're looking outside yourself for the answer, you won't find it. If you're looking for the perfect equation to craft the most profound statement, you've already lost the meaning.

Gratitude is the first thing you feel when you hear the question. What are you grateful for right now? Is it the quick 15 minutes? You got to listen to this episode. Is it that your husband smiled at you when he woke up this morning and you actually noticed it? Is it that you don't have to leave the house at all today?

What are you grateful for right now? Gut reaction is usually the best one. Take a deep breath in through your nose. Press those lips together, let it out through your mouth, and go with the first thing that comes to mind. Maybe finding what you're grateful for isn't really the problem. Maybe it's the way you feel forced to share it each year to a group of people while the Turkey sits there getting cold.

It could be possible. You thought that was what? Taking a moment of gratitude was supposed to feel like Since it didn't ever sit right with you, you decided it just wasn't your thing. Then you find your social media feed flooded with people talking about gratitude or posts simply asking what you're grateful for.

Leave in the comments and it all feels like a show. If it were so important to do, why do we just do it once a year? Or why do people care about it just one time a year? Or maybe you completely get it, but you're just not feeling it this year. Maybe you're overwhelmed by the chronic stress of the past 12 months and you don't care to put in the energy to be grateful for anything, or maybe you're an all or nothing type of person.

So either everything is all bad or all good, and you haven't been all good in forever. So there's nothing to be grateful for. Are you tired of the people who are sitting at the table staring at you right now? Feeling like you're supposed to be strong and supportive all the time as they wait for that profound answer to what you're grateful for?

Just yearning to hear the weight of the words that everyone expects to come out of the mouth of a cancer caregiver when what you're grateful for is the fact you didn't have to cook. Maybe you're so fatigued, your brain isn't able to actually put together a full coherent sentence, let alone think up of something to say under pressure.

Maybe being a cancer caregiver has left you feeling powerless and you don't see what the point of this exercise is since it isn't going to change your circumstances. Then one of the most difficult, as you hear from everyone how their lives have been so happy and adventurous, it leaves you feeling left behind and envious of the things they have, and you feel like your entire year has been unfair.

I know that feeling it hurts. Deep breath in through your nose, pressed lips out through your mouth. This one question, this one, long, arduous exercise. Sitting at a dinner table with a cousin you never knew you had until this year, has you hating the word gratitude, along with having to share your thoughts on it.

You start to realize why you do this only once a year, and then you notice Aunt Maria has taken a long pause and your mom stares you down trying to tell you to jump in so you can all be done with it and you wonder why it even matters. Here's why it matters first. You're right. Doing this once a year doesn't feel like it means anything because gratitude is actually a practice.

It's something you try to do often. For me, it helps to anchor it to a time of the day, like when you first wake up or you sit down with your cup of coffee random times of the day. When you notice something good and you add on feeling grateful for it, it helps you shift your focus from the negative things that happen in your life to the positive ones, giving you the opportunity to have a more optimistic outlook in life.

Having hard things happen in our lives can feel like a constant with cancer in the house. And each time we experience something negative or think negatively about something, we easily bring our bodies to feel like we're under attack. Our nervous systems cannot handle constant negativity. This will only make caregiving feel harder and will over time negatively affect our stress levels and health.

This isn't an exercise in denying ourselves the fact that caregiving is hard, that cancer almost always makes it feel like you're under attack. And trying to find the good in that seems impossible. I know. But regularly having a practice of gratitude can increase your feelings of happiness and decrease your anxiety.

Focusing on something positive can improve your mental wellbeing. And if you make it a habit of thinking of something you're grateful for before you go to bed, instead of looking back on everything that made your day horrible, it will help you have a better night's sleep. And you and I both know how much better our days go if we have a good foundation of sleep from the night before.

If some of your moments of gratitude are tied to the people you spend your day with, it will allow you to pause enough to really notice them and can help strengthen the bond you have with them. Most importantly, it helps you cultivate the resilience you need to make it as a caregiver long term. Being able to cope with stress better.

Take steps that promote mental health and allow you to pause to see the good in your day are key to making it through life. As a cancer caregiver, sometimes you're just tired of having shitty days and want to find some good in your life. Taking a moment to sit down and find that good, no matter if it's the fact that you're able to sit in a house, have food to eat, that you were able to wake up and get out of bed this morning, no matter what it is, you have to be grateful for.

Finding it and thinking about it at least a minute or two doesn't allow you to think about what's not going right or the horrible things that have happened in the past. So when you take in that deep breath. Stalling because you still have no idea what to say, and your niece is now hitting her fork against her glass.

Say what you feel. Try your best to not give a shit what everyone will think about it. Realize that this isn't about them, it's about you. And taking a moment, even if it feels forced to find something good for you and it's worth it. Stay after the end of this episode to have a more focused minute of learning how to use the breath used throughout this episode.

If you have to go, there will be a separate episode titled Emotional Long Breath for you to use as a tool anytime you need to center yourself, especially when you're around people who are difficult. If you found value in this episode, please leave a rating or review wherever you're listening right now.

It takes just a quick minute and it's honestly the best way for you to help me and it helps other caregivers find this episode as well. I really appreciate you being here because. Even though things might be difficult for you right now, you made some time for yourself.

Thanks for staying. Let's spend just a quick minute to feel what the long emotional exhale feels like so you can use it as a tool this week. There is of course, the extended version always available for you as a separate episode. For now, I'd like for you to settle in to where you are. And bring your attention to the fact that you're breathing.

As you continue to focus on your breath, bring your lips together as if you were going to blow out a candle. Slowly bring the breath in through your nose, and now with your lips in that position. Slowly let the breath out through your mouth as if you're slowly trying to blow a candle out. Bring the breath in through your nose and slowly out through your mouth

as you bring the breath out through your mouth. I want you to imagine that any. Of those emotions that you're feeling, any frustration, any tension that you have in your mind and your body can be let go with that breath. Imagine that the breath is transporting that emotion or feeling out as it leaves.

Breath slowly comes in through your nose. Lips are pressed together as if you are going to blow a candle out. Let it out through your mouth.

Thank you so much for staying here and listening to this short version of this breathing exercise. Remember all of the breathing exercises used in any of the episodes also show up as their own separate episode, and I'm really grateful you were able to listen to the entire episode. Until next time,

[00:18:51] the-cancer-pod-podcast--it-they-_3_11-16-2025_125125: Be sure to follow the Cancer Caregiver podcast wherever you stream podcasts and download the scanxiety Toolkit, a free guide with tools like breathing exercises, grounding techniques and visualization methods to help find calm during the holiday season.

Thanks for listening to the Cancer Pod. Remember to subscribe, review and rate us wherever you get your podcasts. Follow us on social media for updates, and as always, this is not medical advice. These are our opinions. Talk to your doctor before changing anything related to your treatment plan. The Cancer Pod is hosted by me, Dr.

Leia Sherman, and by Dr. Tina Kaser. Music is by Kevin McLeod. See you next time.